Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Modesty Police - Providing wardrobe judgement for all.

I must be super-modest about some things.

In late 2012, I posted some things about basic gym etiquette.

So let me sum this up as best as I can - because I am sure this is MY issue rather than other people's problem to solve.

These "rules" are for NORMAL public life. Not a special event, a photo shoot or the bedroom.

For women:

Rule #1) There is a time for a two piece bikini: At the pool or the beach.

Rule #2) Shorts that ride UP your thighs and shirts that ride up your midsection are so time consuming that they generally aren't worth it. It annoys us with all the "fake" modesty attempts of tugging them back into where you THINK they should go. Seriously, to the outsider it looks like your clothes are running away from your smelly feet.

Rule #3) You have a back or oblique tattoo. We get it. Good job. When its 27 degrees outside and you wear a midriff to show of your art - it's sad. We can tell you are freezing. Why suffer?

Rule #4) Get a mirror.

Rule #5) Ask yourself this question: Would your dad want to see the teenage version of yourself leave on a date wearing those clothes? If the answer is yes, then obviously none of the rules here apply. You have your own set of issues without me judging you.

For men:

Rule #1) Was that shirt sleeveless when it left the store?

Rule #2) Speaking of shirt ... put one on. 99% of men should not go into public with their shirt off. I am included in that 99%. Save the proof of the "hair migration theory" for the beach or the pool.

Rule #3) You don't wear a size 32 waist in your jorts anymore. Quit it.

Rule #4) Get a mirror OR ask the significant other.

Rule #5) Flip flops are not everyday attire. Put those rhino toes away Barney Rubble.

"Oh Bryonman, this sounds like an envious rant." Trust me, that's not it.

"What brought this on?"

A spin session gone wild.

There is a lady in spin class that insists on the following:

1) Super-tight halter top.
2) Super-short underwear for bottoms.
3) Sets up her bike at the very front of the class.
4) Shadow-boxes during spin to draw attention.
5) Exits class before the end so that everyone can "watch her leave".

Is it too much to ask for folks to put on some clothes and go to the gym without being a douche nugget?

OH! -- While I am here: update --

Skinny jeans have to stop. I am yet to see anyone that looks better in skinny jeans than they do in regular cut jeans. It's not a flattering look.

Cover Up with This!

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